


Transparent Butterflies

by WhoopsOK



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Banned Together Bingo, Coming Out, Crushes, Dating, Developing Relationship, Everything is Beautiful and Nothing Hurts, Feelings Realization, Fluff, Getting Together, Healthy Relationships, M/M, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-14 04:21:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28664625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhoopsOK/pseuds/WhoopsOK
Summary: Then Josh steps back from him so sharply he bumps into his own car, eyes wide.“Woah,” Buck says, taking a careful step away from him, hands up. “Shit, I—Sorry, I thought…”“No, no, it’s okay, just—” Josh laughs nervously as he rubs at his lips. “Did Maddie tell you?”Buck blinks at him, confused. “Wh—? Tell me what?”(Buck is nursing a crush that in no way fades when Josh lets him in on a secret.)
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Josh Russo
Comments: 14
Kudos: 151
Collections: Banned Together Bingo 2020





	Transparent Butterflies

**Author's Note:**

> BTB Fill for Normalizes Trans Lives
> 
> I haven’t stopped thinking about this ship since that poker night scene tbh

People often think that Buck’s brain-to-mouth filter is flimsy, which maybe isn’t an unfair assumption, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t _there_.

Buck’s mind is almost constant noise and motion, thoughts he’s been told more than once don’t connect to the present conversation at hand. They _do_ connect in his brain, but he’s not going to drag everyone through the chain links it took him to get to that conclusion, it’d take forever to verbalize. So far in his whole life, Maddie and Eddie are the only two people who can tolerate that for any extended period of time without getting exasperated or just… accepting his answer without asking how he got there.

At least—ok, at least until he met _Josh_ which is the whole problem.

Maddie’s friends have always been decent people, even when they were younger and less interested in her little brother’s stilted attempts at flirting. As adults, he likes all of them as much as she likes his friends, obviously, since this thing with Chim is still going strong.

Josh is his favorite, though.

There’s just—he doesn’t know. There’s something about him, the cheerful way Maddie talked about him before they met and then how funny and kind he was on poker night. Kind for a given measure anyway, he didn’t have to point out how bad Buck is at poker, but it was funny, he’s _funny_.

“If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were setting us up,” Josh jokes, or it should’ve just been a joke, but Buck gets a happy little flutter in his stomach at the words.

Buck has a crush.

Apparently a wildly transparent crush, at least to his sister, because Maddie gracefully waits until they’re alone to start teasing him about it. It’s fine, though, it really is, because nothing needs to come of it. Josh just came off a really horrible experience with dating and Buck…isn’t exactly used to liking men. It’s fine, though! He’s not scared of being bi, no big deal, he starts shuffling in some different porn and…yeah, that’s fine. Fuck, some of it is _really good_ , actually, he’s been missing out. Look at that, learning new things about himself at nearly thirty.

And Josh is recovering, opening up more like a flower in the sun and when Buck starts thinking in kitschy metaphors, it’s a _real_ crush. It’s so stupid, he feels ridiculous, like he’s back in middle school fumbling a ‘ _Do you like me? Check yes or no_ ’ note in his pocket. This whole thing— _Josh_ makes him so happy he doesn’t quite know what to do with himself.

“Oh my God, you’re actually blushing,” Maddie says when she catches him grinning at his phone from Josh just texting that he’d be down to join them for another pseudo-double-date night.

Buck’s face is a little warm, but he’s not embarrassed. He just shrugs. “What! He’s cute, what do you want from me?”

Maddie laughs, looking entertained if a little bemused. “You know he likes you, too, right?”

Buck manages to restrain the desperate school boy inside him— _does he, does he talk about me, what did he say_ —but it’s a near thing. He smirks. “I’m a likeable guy,” he replies, humming back at her when she just hums at him, because he’s not fooling her at all. He has butterflies.

The date-not-date is fun. They of course talk about the last call the got to a bowling alley, but they bowl and drink cheap beer and, after, sit outside eating at an overpriced but ultimately _really_ good food truck. Maddie sits under Chim’s arm looking resplendent and Buck is happy for her. He doesn’t even get to be teasingly jealous or make fun of the PDA, because Josh is sitting beside him with both his knees pressed against Buck’s thigh, trying to follow Buck’s thought process.

And Buck has to jump through several loops to make it make sense, but Josh listens like he’s fascinated, not frustrated, even when Buck starts fumbling his words, distracted by his proximity. Chim looks like he’s biting his lip to keep from laughing at him and, well, _fuck_ , if Chim notices is there even a chance Josh doesn’t?

Josh doesn’t call him out, though, he just laughs, “Okay, that was one hell of a garden path, but you know what? I trust your internal GPS, Buck.”

Buck has a _crush_.

And he just intends to sit on that until forever, let his friends tease him about how starry-eyed he gets whenever Josh comes around. But really, while Buck’s impulse control has gotten better, it’s still not _good_. Josh is around so much, really, Buck thinks he should get some credit for being a grownup about how smitten he is. When Josh joins him for the station movie marathon, sitting so close Buck can feel him shuddering with laughter against his shoulder, Buck’s heart takes the reins instead of his brain. Josh turns to say something, probably, like maybe to ask why Buck is staring at him and Buck can’t stop thinking about kissing him.

With that thought so close to the front of his mind, it’s nearly a miracle he manages to wait until he’s walking Josh to his car before Josh smiling at him is too much to resist.

Josh had been in the middle of saying goodnight, but trails off when Buck leans towards him only to let out a soft, surprised sound when Buck’s lips meet his.

It’s not a displeased sound and it’s followed shortly by Josh’s hand landing on Buck’s side so Buck is, frankly, over the moon.

Then Josh steps back from him so sharply he bumps into his own car, eyes wide.

“ _Woah,_ ” Buck says, taking a careful step away from him, hands up. “Shit, I—Sorry, I thought…”

“No, no, it’s okay, just—” Josh laughs nervously as he rubs at his lips. “Did Maddie tell you?”

Buck blinks at him, confused. “Wh—? Tell me _what_?”

Josh’s anxiety visibly ratches up to actual fear and Buck hates that look on his face, doesn’t understand what he did to cause it. “That I'm...” Josh starts, but doesn’t finish, just motioning at himself.

“…Gay?” Buck tries, because he guesses he can get some previously-straight guys freaking out about that kind of thing. It’s dumb, _he’s_ not, but he could see it in himself maybe ten years ago. “I—I mean, I sorta…got that part, Josh…”

But Josh is shaking his head. “No, not—It’s—I'm _transgender_ , Buck,” he corrects, stiff all the way through his fingers where he’s clutching his car fob. “I’m a trans man.”

“Oh.” Buck says, because he hadn’t known that, actually. “No, Maddie didn’t tell me. What's—?” He drops the question, because he _does_ know what transgender means, that’s not what he’s wondering. Wincing because he can’t think of better phrasing, he continues, “Not to sound like a moron, but does… that mean you _aren't_ gay?”

Josh stares at him blankly for a second, but then he’s sputtering. He closes his eyes, whole body going slack with relief as he starts laughing. “ _Buck_ …” he gasps.

Buck can stand for being laughed at when it’s chased the fear out of Josh’s body, but even as he chuckles along, he’s confused. “No really, I don’t know what—If you’re not into men—or even just me!” he corrects quickly. “If you’re not into this, no hard feelings, I’m not gonna—”

“I am very much gay, Buck,” Josh tells him breathlessly, wiping at his eye. “And you’re the _only_ one who doesn’t know how into you I am, I just…” He sighs a little, gathering himself and Buck forces down his little spark of relieved joy. “Some guys flip out when they realize I don’t have the junk they’re expecting? It’s cleaner to know that kind of thing up front, before anyone’s clothes come off.”

The thought of getting near Josh in any state of undress has Buck’s brain fuzzing out. “Uh, well,” he clears his throat. “I mean, I've never actually done anything with _any_ dick but mine so, like... It's probably fine if yours is...the size of other...genitals when we get there?”

Josh is _really_ laughing this time, nearly bent double. “ _God_ , Buck…”

“I’m trying here!” Buck defends, but he’s smiling, too.

“No, I know, and I appreciate it,” Josh assures him, his hand once again warm on Buck, patting his chest. “I’m—Yeah, I _really_ can’t overstate how interested I am.”

“Yeah?” Buck grins. “So, asking you on a date would be—?”

“An excellent idea, yes,” Josh grins up at him with such genuine happiness, Buck feels a little like bouncing in place. “As would kissing me goodnight.”

Well, he’ll get no protests from Buck on that front.

They go on a date a few days later. Like a _proper_ date where Buck puts on a nice shirt and picks up Josh for dinner at a restaurant that doesn’t have table cloths, but isn’t a fast-food join, either. And then another proper date where Josh takes him to a play that he doesn’t really understand, but Josh seems more than happy to explain to him over gelato after. And then another where Buck stops caring about the movie halfway through and Josh isn’t invested in the plot enough to _not_ let Buck kiss on his neck.

“Is this okay?” Buck asks against his throat, his hand playing at the end of Josh’s shirt.

“Yeah, no, yes, this is good, I just—um,” Josh babbles and Buck sits back to get a good look at his face. He looks flushed and wide-eyed, but not in a way that rings of fear. Still, Buck waits for him to speak up. “It’s been a while,” he blurts apologetically after a second.

Buck tries not to let on that he finds that hotter than he has any real right to. “Going slow works for me,” he offers instead, because he’s learned that about himself in recent years. “This is _all_ new to me, so we can do it however you want. I’m down to learn,” he smirks, offering a quick kiss. “Tell me how to make you feel good?”

Josh shows him.

There’s a bit of fumbling, the way there always is—especially because Buck is a knucklehead by nature. He spends a few moments fumbling with what words to use and how to ask things without coming off as an asshole or an idiot. Josh laughs, good natured and sweet, and then answers in the most _unbelievably hot_ way right against Buck’s ear and—well.

They figure it out. It’s _really fucking good_.

It stays really good, too.

As in, yeah, there’s definitely a honeymoon phase where Buck spends way too much time talking about how great Josh is and making transparently desperate excuses to touch him, but also _past_ that it’s just _good_. The kind of good Bucky thought he’d only had a chance at with Abby with none of the concerns about Josh up and leaving him. They don’t live together, but they leave little pieces of themselves at each other’s houses, stashes of their favorite foods in both their pantries, a half-drawer of spare clothes, a tooth brush and razor in the bathroom. It’s not the same headlong rush into falling in love it had been with Abby, but they’re so annoyingly happy he can’t even begrudge the gentle ribbing they’re getting from everyone else.

Buck starts thinking the L-word when he wakes up in Josh’s bed alone and turns to see him through the bathroom door. He’s sitting on the bathtub, looking a little groggy and sleep-mussy as he gives himself his shot. A normal morning, because a lot of Buck’s mornings—all of his _best_ mornings—involve waking up to Josh nowadays.

Josh blinks up at him as he’s finishing up, voice sleep rough when he says, “Morning, babe.”

_I love you,_ clenches in Buck’s chest, but he manages not to spill his heart all over the floor by a very narrow margin. “Morning.” He stretches. “Is it my turn to make breakfast?”

Josh hums a soft disagreement as he tugs his boxers back into place. “We’re going to brunch with Maddie, remember?”

“Oh shit, is that today?” Buck groans, because he loves his sister, but brunch is for people who like getting up in the morning on their _off_ days. He turns away to fumble for his phone, squinting at the time. “When do we need to leave?”

“We have another hour,” Josh says, closer than before. Buck doesn’t even have the chance to turn back around before Josh is sliding into bed again, this time draping himself over Buck’s back. _I love you,_ clenches in his chest again when Josh yawns before nuzzling into the back of Buck’s neck. “I set an alarm.”

Buck settles down beneath him, reaching down to catch Josh’s hand where it’s slid under him to settle over his heart. “You’re my favorite,” he says, and squeezes his _I love you_ around Josh’s hand.

Josh squeezes back, pressing a kiss to his shoulder. “I’ll have you know, the feeling is mutual.”

Love courses through Buck with every beat of his heart, nothing he has to chase or trap, just as easy as breathing.

Just as easy as spending a lazing morning dozing off and wrapped in somebody he’s pretty damn sure loves him, too.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading…you are loveable, i promise, drink some water


End file.
